Introduction
I remember being in a board meeting. The coffee and cake sit on the table behind us. There are bits and pieces of cake in front of the other attendees in the room. There’s lots of coffee cups in the room. This discussion has required attendees to be powered by caffeine, to have that jolt of caffeine to supercharge their brain juices.
There’s a cold draft that seeps into the room from the open window. It’s late autumn, and whilst it’s not exactly wintry cold, it’s not that hot. The cold is a seeming reflection of the difficulty of the issue in front of us.
I pull my coat closer around me as I observe the scene in front of me.
Our funder has agreed to cut our grant by 9%.
As a charity, we are not sure how to survive. The discussion so far has been difficult. We’ve been proposing different solutions to make up the funding gap of SG$540,000. It’s not peanuts.
Directors are suggesting approaching our funders to advocate more about the work we do. Others are suggesting having an open march amongst our students to push our funder to give us more. Others are more conservative, looking at the cuts we can make to cope with the new numbers.
As I look around the table, the first thing that stands out isn’t the coffee and cake. It’s how furrowed everyone’s eyebrows are, as solutions are tossed out.
Just then, another director raises his index finger. He’s the former Commercial Director of Heathrow Airport. When he speaks, the room gives much weight to his opinion.
The chair calls on him. He pauses, and then says,
What’s the problem here? Rather than looking at solutions, what are we really trying to solve here?
1. What’s the problem?
I pause. That’s true. We have suggested so many solutions, without properly framing the problem. What’s the actual problem here?
As facilitators, it is tempting to have the meeting jumps right in to suggest solutions. It’s easy, isn’t it? After all, you know the background to the problem. You’ve heard many solutions to the issue. You’re detached from the organisation. That might mean that you are not as emotionally attached to certain mindsets people within the organisation hold.
It even seems that the organisation has hired you specifically to solve a problem! Thus, it’s easy to go into the room with the problem-solving lens. You put on your problem-solving spectacles, and what you may want to see are the solutions to the problems.
Sometimes, it’s more useful to first define the problem you’re solving. In the room, there may be different ideas of what the problem is. It’s unlikely that every person has the same idea of what the most pressing issue is. Clarifying expectations within the room about what each person’s challenge is, and how each person sees the problem, is vital.
2. Start with the most junior person
Often, it’s helpful to start from the most junior person in the room. As Brené Brown points out in her book, “Dare to Lead”, when we start with the most senior person, there may be the tendency for the ‘halo effect’. This happens when people lower in the hierarchy are tempted to follow what the leader says.
It can also be illuminating for the leader to hear what their team has to say about the problem, unfiltered by their own prior comments on the issue.
3. Check expectations
Check external expectations
It’s scary to be a facilitator. After all, people are looking to you for helping them generate the answers. They expect that by the end of the session, you’ll guide them to the promised land.
Well… you and I know that’s possible, but it doesn’t always happen.
When I attended a strategy away day with my board in 2018, I remember how the facilitator took the first hour to clarify expectations. He asked us to share what we wanted to get out of the session. He then proceeded to clarify those expectations, to share about what he could do, could not do, and might be able to do.
To create the optimal listening environment, it’s vital that both the facilitator and the attendees go in with mutual understanding of what the expectations are. Unsaid expectations can be like an elephant in the room. The elephant is tramping about, you and the group see it… but we pretend it’s not there.
I remember the time when I failed to clarify expectations. I probed the group. Tried every questioning techniques I knew. But they just sat there passively, answering my questions, but not continuing the conversation.
It was frustrating. When the session ended, I left with a bitter taste in my mouth. I knew that this could have been so much more… but I had failed to clarify expectations. I thought I knew what they wanted, but I hadn’t checked if what I thought, was what they thought.
To listen better, clarify external expectations. This way, you know what both parties are in for. You know their frames of reference. What success looks like to them. What they are listening out for. And you begin to build a listening environment, that enables their listening.
Check internal expectations
Do you know the shoulder troll that sits quietly on your shoulder?
Let me introduce mine to you.
I like to call mine ’Smurfy’. Smurfy likes to tell me,
Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?
I don’t think this is good enough.
I don’t think others will like what you’re saying.
Are you sure you’re even good enough for them?
As facilitators trying to encourage healthy groups, the responsibility can seem onerous at times. You wonder if you’re good enough. That’s where the shoulder troll comes in. The voice of self-doubt comes in. Rather than listening and tuning into the group, you end up listening to yourself.
When I’ve facilitated useful transformation for groups, I know it’s often because I’ve been attuned to the group. Whenever the voice of self-doubt comes up to question whether I’m doing the right thing, I tell it,
“Yes, I know you’re trying to protect me, but I’m going to try anyway.
What’s the worst that could happen?
They scream at me? They never ask me back again?
I can deal with that.”
I’m not performing to my own expectations. Of being the famous facilitator that sparked breakthrough in their strategy! Or the facilitator that introduced such great insight! I’m simply seeing myself in service of the group.
I’m checking my own expectations. Don’t get me wrong. This is not about lowering your own expectations, or giving yourself an excuse to slack off. But it’s about recognising that your own expectations of yourself might end up harming the group’s process. You might push certain things, because you’re trying to serve your own agenda and expectations rather than the group’s.
Therefore, before facilitating, ask yourself,
What would success look like for me?
Let this definition of success be based around actions you take, rather than outcomes. We may not control the outcome. But we can control the actions we take. Take the time to tune in and listen to yourself. You may be surprised at what you find.
Conclusion
There’s a great energy as the group waves goodbye over Zoom. Words of thanks come streaming through the chat on Zoom. I smile to myself. It’s been a good day.
For the first time, rather than trying to force through the solution, I’ve encouraged the group to look at what the problem is. Hearing their expectations before we started, asking them what brought them into the session today, allowed me to focus on their needs, rather than my own.
Most importantly, that work before the session, asking myself what success meant to me, allowed me to let go of needing to be perfect.
I could show up, knowing that I could do my best and leave the rest to the group. I wasn’t doing this for approval. I was doing this because at the end of the day, facilitation isn’t a product. It’s not a product that’s quality-controlled, that looks the same each time it’s delivered. There’s no perfect product. It’s a process. A joint process. Of listening, learning, and living.
Contributor: John Lim
John believes that when organisations focus on the relationships between people and the organisation, rather than fancy work experiences like pingpong tables, free flowing pantries, and fast computers, each person can flourish into their fullest potential at work. He speaks, writes and coaches at www.liveyoungandwell.com.
Do you desire to learn how to listen better when facilitating? If you do, please check out our SPOT on Facilitation course (https://fns.sg/spot-3-0-on-facilitation-workshop-singapore/) to equip yourself with the soft skills of facilitation. Or contact us at admin@fns.sg for more information.
